Friday, August 19, 2011

Cut! It's a wrap!

So Washington is 'asking' that federal agencies submit spending cuts for the upcoming budget. I'm no politician and it hurts my head to think about the gazillion things that the government forces its involvement in. So for us normal people to relate, let's do a little exercise. Let's look at an American family. For our purposes, we'll say there is a mom and a dad, they are married without the option of divorce and have two kids to support, one boy and one girl. For the sake of the exercise, we'll say the dad is somewhat of a republican and the mom is somewhat of a democrat.

***Times are tough. Mom just got laid off from a non-profit she has been working at for the last 15 years. The non-profit, "Clothes for Hoes", provided professional wardrobes for women who couldn't afford it and needed to dress for interviews and jobs. They had to cut back due to the recession, and mom was one of five employees to be let go.

Dad now has to support his family on a modest income. Dad is a motivational speaker and is the Executive Director at "Help yourself to help yourself and help people who are wasting their life helping you", a program which is designed to get people to rely more on education and hard work to sustain a comfortable life.

They are by no means poor. Dad can't go out and get that mercedes he always wanted, but he should be grateful that he isnt below the poverty line, which for a four person household was $21,954 in 2009. He makes well over that amount, but it's still a daily struggle.

Now son and daughter have enjoyed a rather comfortable life filled with video games, dolls, sports equipment and a fasionable wardrobe. They haven't worked a day in their lives, yet whenever they ask, they receive. Sometimes, they are assigned chores to help around the house. If these chores aren't done, dad punishes the kids by taking away their favorite toys and gadgets, and in rare cases sending them to bed without supper. Mom, like most moms, is a bit of a pushover and tends to overlook the kids' laziness most of the time. Dishes clean or not, she usually gives her children all the love and attention she thinks they deserve.

When mom came home with the news that she lost her job at "clothes for hoes", dad reassured her that they would make ends meet. But where do they start? The obvious places to save money would be with certain luxuries, such as mom's spa treatments and dad's golf tournaments. "We all have to make sacrifices" mom says, and dad agrees.

So they throw out the season tickets and the weekly manicures. What's next? "We'll," says dad, "i guess the next step would be for the kids to make some sacrifices as well." Woah. This does not go over well with mom. Why should her kids make sacrifices? It is their job as parents to provide the best life for these kids, no matter what the circumstances. Dad agrees, but thinks the kids can still have a great life without certain things just being handed to them. Mom leaves in a huff, "we'll talk about this tomorrow."

And they do. They decided that dad must get rid of NFL package and mom must put a hold on remodeling plans for the bathroom. Dad sells his beloved John Deere and mom begins to walk the kids to the bus stop to save gas. Son still wears his new jordans on that walk. Daughter is too busy listening to music on her new iphone 5, unlimited data plan, to even hear mom talk about having to sell her grandmothers diamond ring.

Dad comes home tired one day, ready to watch the Denver Broncos on TV. Son is playing video games, so he tells him that its dad's turn to watch tv. "Dad, don't you remember, you don't have NFL package anymore," son says without looking away. Dad remembers a lecture he gave today for "Help yourself to help yourself and help people who are wasting their life helping you", and sighs. Dad has had enough.

Mom and Dad get into yelling war in the kitchen. Son and daughter can hear it, but pay little attention. Mom refuses to cut back on things for her kids, and dad refuses to get a second job for more income to support the unneccesarily lavish habits of his children. Mom begins to cry, and dad pulls her in and embraces her. "We'll make it work."

Dad has lost 30 lbs in the last month. The excessive stress and lack of decent meals has paid a heavy toll. Mom doesn't look so hot either, but knows that as long as she has a say in this household, the kids would come first. But mom loves dad, and mom finally decides to make some compromises.

Mom strokes dad's hair and tells him that she is cancelling son's skateboarding lessons and daughter's yoga classes. For the first time in a while, dad smiles. But mom insists certain things never be changed. They must go to the best schools, the best doctors, have the healthiest meals. Dad wants them to, but knows Dr. Benson would treat the kids just as well as Dr. Singh, who charges twice as much. "That is not up for discussion," mom says. Dad concedes.

Their marriage suffers, but mom and dad still love each other, and most of all, mom and dad love their kids. They want the best for them, but have different views on how they should be raised. Mom wants to baby them, and hold their hands through life. Dad thinks they could learn important values from making sacrifices and living within their means. Although divorce crossed their minds, they never spoke about it. They knew no matter what, they had to make it work. If not for them, for the kids.

However, dad falls into an even deeper slump. It shows at home and at work. Their friends suggest they get a counselor. So mom and dad begin to see a counselor once a week. The counselor listens and listens, and after many months decides to give mom and dad his opinion. "You've tried it mom's way for a while now, and its doing more harm than it is good. Why don't you try it dad's way, and see what happens?"

Dad looks at mom, who looks down. She knows it's a valid point, but can't get the images of son and daughter begging for money on the street out of her head.

Mom and dad have another talk at home. Mom decides to do it dad's way, but not entirely. Mom thinks the kids should have a say in what goes on around the house if they are also going to be making sacrifices. "But they're just kids," says Dad. "They don't know any better." Mom thinks that if they're old enough to start mowing lawns and shoveling snow, then they are old enough to help make decisions about which sacrifices the family makes, and which ones they don't.

Dad just can't win. ***

If i kept on going, you would see that when they try it dad's way, things still didnt get much better. So im not some republican trying to convince you that democrats are dumb. I think the whole system is screwed up. I don't know how to fix it but right now, for most of the American people, it's a lose lose situation in the white house, no matter who's in office.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Delonte for 3 - dollars an hour

And here i was thinking I didnt have anything to comment on today. Thanks D West. For all celtics fans and Lebron haters, here's a shocker for you: Delonte West has applied for a job at Home Depot. You can read the story here.

Apparently being discovered on a motorcycle with a guitar case full of guns can keep you from going overseas to play basketball. At least he didn't suffer the same fate as current New York Jets player Plaxico Burress, although there's a case to be made that he would of been better off chillaxin' in jail eating off taxpayers' money. Here are a few of Delonte's tweets that explain why:

"It's official.. Pride 2 the side.. just filled out a application at Home Depot.. Lockout aint a game.."

"Broke down in the ATM line.. 25 cars behind me and I already reached my daily limit... I'm broke n my cars broke.. Where's my therapist???"

And he actually does have a therapist. But dont worry, Delonte is not a bad kid, he's just bi-polar.

From 2004-2011, Delonte West made $14,093,519. You read that correctly, over 14 million bucks. Lets give the wild wild West the benefit of the doubt and say he put that money away for a rainy day and wants to work at Home Depot to maintain his celebrated humility.

Nicole Fabian-Weber from TheStir seems to agree, "I think it takes guts and balls and other body parts for a professional athlete to do this, never mind publicize it to the world." Her article, for the most part, sympathizes with Delonte, and can be found here:

She's under the impression that West is a role model. Definitely Nicole. No, he wasnt accused of anything as abominable as rape and he certainly didnt do anything as inhumane as fight Pit Bulls. But a role model? So I have to agree, it wasn't desperation. He put his pride to the side and showed these kids that it takes hard work to make it out here.

So here's to you, Delonte West. For everything you represent, especially your lack of hammer-cocking cockiness. Glory-a James be to God that we have an example like you for our children.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Anna Hazare's hunger strike

Anna Hazare is a male Indian activist who is on a hunger strike, protesting the Indian government. You can get all the details at Huff Post or whatever news source you trust. Let me tell you, despite his name, this guy Anna has got a large set of camel balls.

Lets look at some stats:

India has a population of 1.9 billion. That makes it the worlds largest democracy. So Anna is 1 in 1.9 billion. Good luck making your girlfriend feel special now, Bosson.

34% of this population lives on less than $1 US dollar a day, 80% on less than $2. So let's dust of that old TI-83 and do the numbers. Thats 646 million and 1.5 billion respectively, who have less than $2 a day to eat. My gum this morning cost me $1.50.

47% of India's children are underweight and malnourished. They rank third in the world in that category. Maybe Michelle Obama can use them as a model for her fight against child obesity.

Hunger is the world's #1 health risk. It kills more people every year than AIDS, malaria and tuberculosis combined. Astonishing. *bites into $.75 apple* *scratches genitals*

65% of the world's hungry live in only seven countries, India being one of them. Can you guess the other six? (hint: stick with Asia and Africa)

The list goes on.

....really Anna? A hunger strike?

No offense Gandhi. I still love what you guys stand for.

Who's down for some $.25 wings in Brighton tonight? First rounds on me...

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

The U shall prevail

So, Nevin Shapiro fucked over thousands of investors in an elaborate Ponzi Scheme which amassed almost $1 billion, and will now spend the next 20 years in a white collar correctional facility being sodomized only if he so chooses. Which he probably will.

What a loser. Not only was he $35 billion short of the great Bernie Madoff, but on the road to relinquishing his rectum he has put the prestigious University of Miami under scrutiny. The NCAA is visiting the school now to conduct their investigation.

According to the Boston Herald, the NCAA defines an extra benefit (which is illegal) as "any special arrangement by an institutional employee or representative of the institution's athletics interest to provide a student-athlete (or a student-athlete's relative or friend) a benefit that is not generally provided to other students and their relatives and/or friends , or, is not expressly authorized by NCAA legislation."

Phew. That was close. This prick obviously had nothing to do with the university. He was just some outcast who used other peoples money to feel important. Maybe he's just pissed he didnt get any shine in ESPN's 30 for 30 about the U, which largely featured Miami bad boy Uncle Luke. Clearly the players still have a desire for yacths, ass and titties.

Im not saying he didnt give the players time on his yacht or lavish nights out. Actually I believe he did. He has documentation and I'm sure he can prove they all got head from some hot dominican stripper on the deck of his boat. So what? Just cause this guy wanted to masturbate to a bunch of football players doesn't mean the school was culpable in any way.

These jews and their ponzi schemes. These blacks and their insatiable thirst for pussy. These cape verdean bloggers and their egos. Makes me sick.

I hope the NCAA does the right thing. Nothing. Miami deserves a distraction free season so we can take back what is rightfully ours. The national title.

Thursday, March 31, 2011


Is's CEO Bob Parsons a hero, or is's CEO Bob Parsons a hero? I mean look at this guy's resume for one god damn second. When he's not putting out the sexiest Super Bowl commercials on the planet, he flies half way around the world to Zimbabwe to slaughter ruthless elephants stomping all recklessly through wheat fields like they own the place. Now I know this may make you all antsy in the pantsy, but please hold your applause until the end of this blog.
I can just feel the triumph pulsing through my veins as the muzzle's flare and the crop killers tumble. Bobby even says it himself that out of all the cool shit he does, killing elephants is the most rewarding. I knew it! I fucking knew it! I just always knew that curing cancer and performing heart transplants were for the birds. Not that I do either of those, but whenever I would fantasize about doing something for the greater good like reforming prostitutes into strippers I just always felt like something was lacking. That that just wasn't enough for me. But alas! I know how to fill that void, thanks to my new role model Bobby "Buckshot" Parsons.
Listen, Bob's the kind of guy that just cant sit back and watch injustices take place, he's a man of action for christ sake! The farmers were desperate and they tried to reason with the elephants. They flat out told the bastard, "listen guy, you really can't just stomp all over our wheat stalks and shit, it's killing our bottom line. I mean you can get the river bank on the other side of the plains, but just please bro, stay out of our fields..." And don't you fucking tell me, elephant, that you didn't hear their pleas, because you got ears for days you selfish son-of-a-bitch! So the farmers did what any desperate starving Africans would do, call up GoDaddy.Com, and boy did Bob Parsons deliver. But not only that, he straight up posted his triumph all over the internet! How about that for some fucking style points?
You wanna know how you stop farm destroying elphants from destroying farms? You kill one of them and then post the video on the internet to show all his other elephant compadres, laughing in the bush about to do the same thing, that when you mess with Bob Parsons you get straight up murked in the dead of night then fileted in the mother fucking town square in broad daylight in front of all your animal kingdom friends. That's just how he rolls. Period
So everyone around the world can sleep a little bit easier tonight knowing that there is one less evil villain lurking around the African plains...

Wednesday, March 9, 2011


Most of us know that we live in a first world country, and that all countries that are similar to us politically, socially, and economically also fall under that category. Then there are the commies and soviets, like Russia and Cuba, who are considered second world. Then there are third world countries, thanks to Africa and South America, who are poor and don’t have a very useful government. Well folks, I live in a world that can only be categorized as the 1-3-1. No it’s not a defensive formation. A lot of you live in this world and just don’t know it. In this world, people who are part of the first world actively try not to do anything with their lives. They dip into third world conditions knowing that they will once again be lifted into the first world by idealistic sympathizers who are too busy solving the world’s problems to realize that their help actually hurts. And yes, I’m a democrat.

That was a long intro to get into the heart of the matter. Women in the hood. Wow did I just say women, I meant females. You know the ones who get pregnant on purpose so they can get welfare checks and write it off on their taxes? The ones who get pregnant so they can throw a hard-working man on child support. You know those “women” who slide their EBT cards for cigarettes, blunts, cigarillos, dutches and scratch tickets instead of the milk and eggs the card was designed for? They aint paying for that shit. We are. The cash they earn goes to things you can’t slide a card for. Not rent, Section 8 pays for that. Not a car note, they get free monthly bus passes. A phone bill? Eghh maybe back when Nextel was hot but now they just fuck guys who are willing to pay for that. More likely it’s to pay for the weed that’s going into those Phillies that we just bought for them. We being those tax payers who decided that we should do something with our first world lives. They get to sit at home and watch Oprah tell depressing stories that make them feel better about their lives. Living in the 1-3-1 can be so tough for these girls, that sometimes they even have to take care of their own kids instead of having their mother do it.

So the next time you feel sorry for that girl pushing her little daughter in a stroller in 20 degree weather to the nearest clinic, don’t. She's pushing right past that motherfucker and smiling all the way to the bank.

Saturday, March 5, 2011


Just who the hell do these two broads think they are, Dottie Hinson and Kit Keller? Well they're definitely not, and I'll tell you why god damnit, because they're still living the dream. Dottie and Kit were too once long ago until Tom Hanks came along and filled them in on the universal truth that "there's no crying in baseball" and set them straight. I mean hell, I can't throw a 70mph fastball, but if I could sure as shit I wouldn't be out there trying to get into commercials with Derek Jeter and a starting spot on the University of California's baseball team. I know my place, and that's sitting here on my high horse judging others and crushing their dreams. But I'll tell you what if some self-entitled long hair came prancing through my dug out I'd rectify that shit real quick and I'd come up with something way better than "cyberbullying". What kind of hammers are these broads going to school with anyway? That's the real problem here that these two imposters have been enabled this whole time and actually think they can hack it. Guys have to be striking out on purpose in hopes of a tug job right? Like this can't be real life. How hasn't someone stepped up and snapped her arm between two rocks on the ball field. I'd be lickin the end of the bats and jabbing these broads with em. Not because I'm mean or anything, but because sometimes doing the right thing means shattering some innocent girls dreams. Look it's going to happen sooner than later for these two and isn't it better that they tell their kids one day that they didn't make it to the show because some assholes snapped her fingers off rather than some college recruiter laughed in her face then slammed the door?