GO DADDY CEO KILLING ELEPHANTS LIKE A BOSS

Is GoDaddy.com's CEO Bob Parsons a hero, or is GoDaddy.com's CEO Bob Parsons a hero? I mean look at this guy's resume for one god damn second. When he's not putting out the sexiest Super Bowl commercials on the planet, he flies half way around the world to Zimbabwe to slaughter ruthless elephants stomping all recklessly through wheat fields like they own the place. Now I know this may make you all antsy in the pantsy, but please hold your applause until the end of this blog.
I can just feel the triumph pulsing through my veins as the muzzle's flare and the crop killers tumble. Bobby even says it himself that out of all the cool shit he does, killing elephants is the most rewarding. I knew it! I fucking knew it! I just always knew that curing cancer and performing heart transplants were for the birds. Not that I do either of those, but whenever I would fantasize about doing something for the greater good like reforming prostitutes into strippers I just always felt like something was lacking. That that just wasn't enough for me. But alas! I know how to fill that void, thanks to my new role model Bobby "Buckshot" Parsons.
Listen, Bob's the kind of guy that just cant sit back and watch injustices take place, he's a man of action for christ sake! The farmers were desperate and they tried to reason with the elephants. They flat out told the bastard, "listen guy, you really can't just stomp all over our wheat stalks and shit, it's killing our bottom line. I mean you can get the river bank on the other side of the plains, but just please bro, stay out of our fields..." And don't you fucking tell me, elephant, that you didn't hear their pleas, because you got ears for days you selfish son-of-a-bitch! So the farmers did what any desperate starving Africans would do, call up GoDaddy.Com, and boy did Bob Parsons deliver. But not only that, he straight up posted his triumph all over the internet! How about that for some fucking style points?
You wanna know how you stop farm destroying elphants from destroying farms? You kill one of them and then post the video on the internet to show all his other elephant compadres, laughing in the bush about to do the same thing, that when you mess with Bob Parsons you get straight up murked in the dead of night then fileted in the mother fucking town square in broad daylight in front of all your animal kingdom friends. That's just how he rolls. Period
So everyone around the world can sleep a little bit easier tonight knowing that there is one less evil villain lurking around the African plains...

1-3-1

Most of us know that we live in a first world country, and that all countries that are similar to us politically, socially, and economically also fall under that category. Then there are the commies and soviets, like Russia and Cuba, who are considered second world. Then there are third world countries, thanks to Africa and South America, who are poor and don’t have a very useful government. Well folks, I live in a world that can only be categorized as the 1-3-1. No it’s not a defensive formation. A lot of you live in this world and just don’t know it. In this world, people who are part of the first world actively try not to do anything with their lives. They dip into third world conditions knowing that they will once again be lifted into the first world by idealistic sympathizers who are too busy solving the world’s problems to realize that their help actually hurts. And yes, I’m a democrat.

That was a long intro to get into the heart of the matter. Women in the hood. Wow did I just say women, I meant females. You know the ones who get pregnant on purpose so they can get welfare checks and write it off on their taxes? The ones who get pregnant so they can throw a hard-working man on child support. You know those “women” who slide their EBT cards for cigarettes, blunts, cigarillos, dutches and scratch tickets instead of the milk and eggs the card was designed for? They aint paying for that shit. We are. The cash they earn goes to things you can’t slide a card for. Not rent, Section 8 pays for that. Not a car note, they get free monthly bus passes. A phone bill? Eghh maybe back when Nextel was hot but now they just fuck guys who are willing to pay for that. More likely it’s to pay for the weed that’s going into those Phillies that we just bought for them. We being those tax payers who decided that we should do something with our first world lives. They get to sit at home and watch Oprah tell depressing stories that make them feel better about their lives. Living in the 1-3-1 can be so tough for these girls, that sometimes they even have to take care of their own kids instead of having their mother do it.

So the next time you feel sorry for that girl pushing her little daughter in a stroller in 20 degree weather to the nearest clinic, don’t. She's pushing right past that motherfucker and smiling all the way to the bank.

THIS IS JUST A BIG JOKE RIGHT?

http://www.thepostgame.com/features/201103/high-school-baseball-game-feature-female-starting-pitchers-first-time

Just who the hell do these two broads think they are, Dottie Hinson and Kit Keller? Well they're definitely not, and I'll tell you why god damnit, because they're still living the dream. Dottie and Kit were too once long ago until Tom Hanks came along and filled them in on the universal truth that "there's no crying in baseball" and set them straight. I mean hell, I can't throw a 70mph fastball, but if I could sure as shit I wouldn't be out there trying to get into commercials with Derek Jeter and a starting spot on the University of California's baseball team. I know my place, and that's sitting here on my high horse judging others and crushing their dreams. But I'll tell you what if some self-entitled long hair came prancing through my dug out I'd rectify that shit real quick and I'd come up with something way better than "cyberbullying". What kind of hammers are these broads going to school with anyway? That's the real problem here that these two imposters have been enabled this whole time and actually think they can hack it. Guys have to be striking out on purpose in hopes of a tug job right? Like this can't be real life. How hasn't someone stepped up and snapped her arm between two rocks on the ball field. I'd be lickin the end of the bats and jabbing these broads with em. Not because I'm mean or anything, but because sometimes doing the right thing means shattering some innocent girls dreams. Look it's going to happen sooner than later for these two and isn't it better that they tell their kids one day that they didn't make it to the show because some assholes snapped her fingers off rather than some college recruiter laughed in her face then slammed the door?

Romance = Insanity

Women had it great once and so did men. I mean back in the day when women knew their place and held down the kitchen and washroom and men went to work all day, drank scotch, then came home and got the big fucking turkey leg was a win-win for both sexes. A woman knew a man loved her because he allowed her to sleep in the same bed as him and a man knew a woman loved him because she kept her ass at home and didn't even dare look at another cock. It was the little things that mattered. Life was good. Life was simple. But not anymore folks. Women had to go ruin it all. They had to get all self righteous and roll up their sleeves and swing monkey wrenches all over the place like Super Mario and demand equal rights and shit. They traded in a sweet life of please and thank you's for a swift fresh one across the face. You had your chance at politeness and chivalry but ya blew it. Sorry Charlie.
And you'd think that since men were the ones that granted them equality they'd display some sort of gratitude towards us and throw us a free blow job once in a while. But that didn't happen. Opening car doors and challenging swordsmen to duels wasn't enough. Instead they all got together in cahoots and decided some whacky idea that they controlled the pussy and that we had to earn it. And us men, being the fools we are, fucking fell for it. Hook, line and sinker.
I never really thought about it until walking down 6th Avenue today after work and saw something that would have made me shit my pants if I had any on. It was relatively warm out and by that I mean 30 degrees and a fucking rigshaw comes whipping around the corner and inside I see this smug little couple all suggled together wrapped up in a blanket. And why do you think that was, huh? Because there were no fucking cabs available? No god damn it. It was because the guy wanted to be romantic so he threw logic to the wind and decided to freeze his dick off while cruising around the city in an open carriage pulled by an imigrant on a bicycle. I'm telling you that women have caused men to go legally insane in their attempts to prove their love. You want romance? I'll show you romance when I pay for a fucking cab with my money to haul your ass in so you don't freeze to death. Now that's romance boys a girls, keeping the women you love out of harms way. But that's not good enough for todays women. You don't love them or your not romantic unless you go above and beyond or out of your way to do something utterly impractical for them. I remember the day when a dozen roses said "I love you" on Valentines Day. But now all that means is that "I didn't put enough thought into it". So now I have to take the mother fucking week off from work to go putter around a ceramics class in order to craft some fucking vase for your ass that's so god awful it literally makes the world an uglier place, just to prove that I care about you.
What the fuck would have happened to that fools girlfriend the other night if their "romantic" rigshaw got smashed by some bus? Dead. The both of them would have been bloody graffiti all over the side of some Duane Reade. Now how fucking romantic is that, huh? But if they were in a cab then what? Maybe a few scrapes or a couple broken bones. So I implore you all to stop throwing caution to the wind and wake the fuck up. Ladies, if a man does something nice for you, just fucking accept that shit. Guys, if a girl idea of a romantic evening is a home cooked meal that you are in no way capable of pulling off with out lighting the kitchen on fire, then dump her ass.
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