Friday, August 19, 2011

Cut! It's a wrap!

So Washington is 'asking' that federal agencies submit spending cuts for the upcoming budget. I'm no politician and it hurts my head to think about the gazillion things that the government forces its involvement in. So for us normal people to relate, let's do a little exercise. Let's look at an American family. For our purposes, we'll say there is a mom and a dad, they are married without the option of divorce and have two kids to support, one boy and one girl. For the sake of the exercise, we'll say the dad is somewhat of a republican and the mom is somewhat of a democrat.

***Times are tough. Mom just got laid off from a non-profit she has been working at for the last 15 years. The non-profit, "Clothes for Hoes", provided professional wardrobes for women who couldn't afford it and needed to dress for interviews and jobs. They had to cut back due to the recession, and mom was one of five employees to be let go.

Dad now has to support his family on a modest income. Dad is a motivational speaker and is the Executive Director at "Help yourself to help yourself and help people who are wasting their life helping you", a program which is designed to get people to rely more on education and hard work to sustain a comfortable life.

They are by no means poor. Dad can't go out and get that mercedes he always wanted, but he should be grateful that he isnt below the poverty line, which for a four person household was $21,954 in 2009. He makes well over that amount, but it's still a daily struggle.

Now son and daughter have enjoyed a rather comfortable life filled with video games, dolls, sports equipment and a fasionable wardrobe. They haven't worked a day in their lives, yet whenever they ask, they receive. Sometimes, they are assigned chores to help around the house. If these chores aren't done, dad punishes the kids by taking away their favorite toys and gadgets, and in rare cases sending them to bed without supper. Mom, like most moms, is a bit of a pushover and tends to overlook the kids' laziness most of the time. Dishes clean or not, she usually gives her children all the love and attention she thinks they deserve.

When mom came home with the news that she lost her job at "clothes for hoes", dad reassured her that they would make ends meet. But where do they start? The obvious places to save money would be with certain luxuries, such as mom's spa treatments and dad's golf tournaments. "We all have to make sacrifices" mom says, and dad agrees.

So they throw out the season tickets and the weekly manicures. What's next? "We'll," says dad, "i guess the next step would be for the kids to make some sacrifices as well." Woah. This does not go over well with mom. Why should her kids make sacrifices? It is their job as parents to provide the best life for these kids, no matter what the circumstances. Dad agrees, but thinks the kids can still have a great life without certain things just being handed to them. Mom leaves in a huff, "we'll talk about this tomorrow."

And they do. They decided that dad must get rid of NFL package and mom must put a hold on remodeling plans for the bathroom. Dad sells his beloved John Deere and mom begins to walk the kids to the bus stop to save gas. Son still wears his new jordans on that walk. Daughter is too busy listening to music on her new iphone 5, unlimited data plan, to even hear mom talk about having to sell her grandmothers diamond ring.

Dad comes home tired one day, ready to watch the Denver Broncos on TV. Son is playing video games, so he tells him that its dad's turn to watch tv. "Dad, don't you remember, you don't have NFL package anymore," son says without looking away. Dad remembers a lecture he gave today for "Help yourself to help yourself and help people who are wasting their life helping you", and sighs. Dad has had enough.

Mom and Dad get into yelling war in the kitchen. Son and daughter can hear it, but pay little attention. Mom refuses to cut back on things for her kids, and dad refuses to get a second job for more income to support the unneccesarily lavish habits of his children. Mom begins to cry, and dad pulls her in and embraces her. "We'll make it work."

Dad has lost 30 lbs in the last month. The excessive stress and lack of decent meals has paid a heavy toll. Mom doesn't look so hot either, but knows that as long as she has a say in this household, the kids would come first. But mom loves dad, and mom finally decides to make some compromises.

Mom strokes dad's hair and tells him that she is cancelling son's skateboarding lessons and daughter's yoga classes. For the first time in a while, dad smiles. But mom insists certain things never be changed. They must go to the best schools, the best doctors, have the healthiest meals. Dad wants them to, but knows Dr. Benson would treat the kids just as well as Dr. Singh, who charges twice as much. "That is not up for discussion," mom says. Dad concedes.

Their marriage suffers, but mom and dad still love each other, and most of all, mom and dad love their kids. They want the best for them, but have different views on how they should be raised. Mom wants to baby them, and hold their hands through life. Dad thinks they could learn important values from making sacrifices and living within their means. Although divorce crossed their minds, they never spoke about it. They knew no matter what, they had to make it work. If not for them, for the kids.

However, dad falls into an even deeper slump. It shows at home and at work. Their friends suggest they get a counselor. So mom and dad begin to see a counselor once a week. The counselor listens and listens, and after many months decides to give mom and dad his opinion. "You've tried it mom's way for a while now, and its doing more harm than it is good. Why don't you try it dad's way, and see what happens?"

Dad looks at mom, who looks down. She knows it's a valid point, but can't get the images of son and daughter begging for money on the street out of her head.

Mom and dad have another talk at home. Mom decides to do it dad's way, but not entirely. Mom thinks the kids should have a say in what goes on around the house if they are also going to be making sacrifices. "But they're just kids," says Dad. "They don't know any better." Mom thinks that if they're old enough to start mowing lawns and shoveling snow, then they are old enough to help make decisions about which sacrifices the family makes, and which ones they don't.

Dad just can't win. ***

If i kept on going, you would see that when they try it dad's way, things still didnt get much better. So im not some republican trying to convince you that democrats are dumb. I think the whole system is screwed up. I don't know how to fix it but right now, for most of the American people, it's a lose lose situation in the white house, no matter who's in office.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Delonte for 3 - dollars an hour

And here i was thinking I didnt have anything to comment on today. Thanks D West. For all celtics fans and Lebron haters, here's a shocker for you: Delonte West has applied for a job at Home Depot. You can read the story here. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/08/17/delonte-west-home-depot-nba-lockout_n_930016.html

Apparently being discovered on a motorcycle with a guitar case full of guns can keep you from going overseas to play basketball. At least he didn't suffer the same fate as current New York Jets player Plaxico Burress, although there's a case to be made that he would of been better off chillaxin' in jail eating off taxpayers' money. Here are a few of Delonte's tweets that explain why:

"It's official.. Pride 2 the side.. just filled out a application at Home Depot.. Lockout aint a game.."

"Broke down in the ATM line.. 25 cars behind me and I already reached my daily limit... I'm broke n my cars broke.. Where's my therapist???"

And he actually does have a therapist. But dont worry, Delonte is not a bad kid, he's just bi-polar.

From 2004-2011, Delonte West made $14,093,519. You read that correctly, over 14 million bucks. Lets give the wild wild West the benefit of the doubt and say he put that money away for a rainy day and wants to work at Home Depot to maintain his celebrated humility.

Nicole Fabian-Weber from TheStir seems to agree, "I think it takes guts and balls and other body parts for a professional athlete to do this, never mind publicize it to the world." Her article, for the most part, sympathizes with Delonte, and can be found here: http://thestir.cafemom.com/sports/124718/nba_player_who_applied_to

She's under the impression that West is a role model. Definitely Nicole. No, he wasnt accused of anything as abominable as rape and he certainly didnt do anything as inhumane as fight Pit Bulls. But a role model? So I have to agree, it wasn't desperation. He put his pride to the side and showed these kids that it takes hard work to make it out here.

So here's to you, Delonte West. For everything you represent, especially your lack of hammer-cocking cockiness. Glory-a James be to God that we have an example like you for our children.


Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Anna Hazare's hunger strike

Anna Hazare is a male Indian activist who is on a hunger strike, protesting the Indian government. You can get all the details at Huff Post or whatever news source you trust. Let me tell you, despite his name, this guy Anna has got a large set of camel balls.

Lets look at some stats:

India has a population of 1.9 billion. That makes it the worlds largest democracy. So Anna is 1 in 1.9 billion. Good luck making your girlfriend feel special now, Bosson.

34% of this population lives on less than $1 US dollar a day, 80% on less than $2. So let's dust of that old TI-83 and do the numbers. Thats 646 million and 1.5 billion respectively, who have less than $2 a day to eat. My gum this morning cost me $1.50.

47% of India's children are underweight and malnourished. They rank third in the world in that category. Maybe Michelle Obama can use them as a model for her fight against child obesity.

Hunger is the world's #1 health risk. It kills more people every year than AIDS, malaria and tuberculosis combined. Astonishing. *bites into $.75 apple* *scratches genitals*

65% of the world's hungry live in only seven countries, India being one of them. Can you guess the other six? (hint: stick with Asia and Africa)

The list goes on.


....really Anna? A hunger strike?


No offense Gandhi. I still love what you guys stand for.

Who's down for some $.25 wings in Brighton tonight? First rounds on me...


Tuesday, August 16, 2011

The U shall prevail

So, Nevin Shapiro fucked over thousands of investors in an elaborate Ponzi Scheme which amassed almost $1 billion, and will now spend the next 20 years in a white collar correctional facility being sodomized only if he so chooses. Which he probably will.

What a loser. Not only was he $35 billion short of the great Bernie Madoff, but on the road to relinquishing his rectum he has put the prestigious University of Miami under scrutiny. The NCAA is visiting the school now to conduct their investigation.

According to the Boston Herald, the NCAA defines an extra benefit (which is illegal) as "any special arrangement by an institutional employee or representative of the institution's athletics interest to provide a student-athlete (or a student-athlete's relative or friend) a benefit that is not generally provided to other students and their relatives and/or friends , or, is not expressly authorized by NCAA legislation."

Phew. That was close. This prick obviously had nothing to do with the university. He was just some outcast who used other peoples money to feel important. Maybe he's just pissed he didnt get any shine in ESPN's 30 for 30 about the U, which largely featured Miami bad boy Uncle Luke. Clearly the players still have a desire for yacths, ass and titties.

Im not saying he didnt give the players time on his yacht or lavish nights out. Actually I believe he did. He has documentation and I'm sure he can prove they all got head from some hot dominican stripper on the deck of his boat. So what? Just cause this guy wanted to masturbate to a bunch of football players doesn't mean the school was culpable in any way.

These jews and their ponzi schemes. These blacks and their insatiable thirst for pussy. These cape verdean bloggers and their egos. Makes me sick.

I hope the NCAA does the right thing. Nothing. Miami deserves a distraction free season so we can take back what is rightfully ours. The national title.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

GO DADDY CEO KILLING ELEPHANTS LIKE A BOSS



Is GoDaddy.com's CEO Bob Parsons a hero, or is GoDaddy.com's CEO Bob Parsons a hero? I mean look at this guy's resume for one god damn second. When he's not putting out the sexiest Super Bowl commercials on the planet, he flies half way around the world to Zimbabwe to slaughter ruthless elephants stomping all recklessly through wheat fields like they own the place. Now I know this may make you all antsy in the pantsy, but please hold your applause until the end of this blog.
I can just feel the triumph pulsing through my veins as the muzzle's flare and the crop killers tumble. Bobby even says it himself that out of all the cool shit he does, killing elephants is the most rewarding. I knew it! I fucking knew it! I just always knew that curing cancer and performing heart transplants were for the birds. Not that I do either of those, but whenever I would fantasize about doing something for the greater good like reforming prostitutes into strippers I just always felt like something was lacking. That that just wasn't enough for me. But alas! I know how to fill that void, thanks to my new role model Bobby "Buckshot" Parsons.
Listen, Bob's the kind of guy that just cant sit back and watch injustices take place, he's a man of action for christ sake! The farmers were desperate and they tried to reason with the elephants. They flat out told the bastard, "listen guy, you really can't just stomp all over our wheat stalks and shit, it's killing our bottom line. I mean you can get the river bank on the other side of the plains, but just please bro, stay out of our fields..." And don't you fucking tell me, elephant, that you didn't hear their pleas, because you got ears for days you selfish son-of-a-bitch! So the farmers did what any desperate starving Africans would do, call up GoDaddy.Com, and boy did Bob Parsons deliver. But not only that, he straight up posted his triumph all over the internet! How about that for some fucking style points?
You wanna know how you stop farm destroying elphants from destroying farms? You kill one of them and then post the video on the internet to show all his other elephant compadres, laughing in the bush about to do the same thing, that when you mess with Bob Parsons you get straight up murked in the dead of night then fileted in the mother fucking town square in broad daylight in front of all your animal kingdom friends. That's just how he rolls. Period
So everyone around the world can sleep a little bit easier tonight knowing that there is one less evil villain lurking around the African plains...

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

1-3-1

Most of us know that we live in a first world country, and that all countries that are similar to us politically, socially, and economically also fall under that category. Then there are the commies and soviets, like Russia and Cuba, who are considered second world. Then there are third world countries, thanks to Africa and South America, who are poor and don’t have a very useful government. Well folks, I live in a world that can only be categorized as the 1-3-1. No it’s not a defensive formation. A lot of you live in this world and just don’t know it. In this world, people who are part of the first world actively try not to do anything with their lives. They dip into third world conditions knowing that they will once again be lifted into the first world by idealistic sympathizers who are too busy solving the world’s problems to realize that their help actually hurts. And yes, I’m a democrat.

That was a long intro to get into the heart of the matter. Women in the hood. Wow did I just say women, I meant females. You know the ones who get pregnant on purpose so they can get welfare checks and write it off on their taxes? The ones who get pregnant so they can throw a hard-working man on child support. You know those “women” who slide their EBT cards for cigarettes, blunts, cigarillos, dutches and scratch tickets instead of the milk and eggs the card was designed for? They aint paying for that shit. We are. The cash they earn goes to things you can’t slide a card for. Not rent, Section 8 pays for that. Not a car note, they get free monthly bus passes. A phone bill? Eghh maybe back when Nextel was hot but now they just fuck guys who are willing to pay for that. More likely it’s to pay for the weed that’s going into those Phillies that we just bought for them. We being those tax payers who decided that we should do something with our first world lives. They get to sit at home and watch Oprah tell depressing stories that make them feel better about their lives. Living in the 1-3-1 can be so tough for these girls, that sometimes they even have to take care of their own kids instead of having their mother do it.

So the next time you feel sorry for that girl pushing her little daughter in a stroller in 20 degree weather to the nearest clinic, don’t. She's pushing right past that motherfucker and smiling all the way to the bank.


Saturday, March 5, 2011

THIS IS JUST A BIG JOKE RIGHT?


http://www.thepostgame.com/features/201103/high-school-baseball-game-feature-female-starting-pitchers-first-time

Just who the hell do these two broads think they are, Dottie Hinson and Kit Keller? Well they're definitely not, and I'll tell you why god damnit, because they're still living the dream. Dottie and Kit were too once long ago until Tom Hanks came along and filled them in on the universal truth that "there's no crying in baseball" and set them straight. I mean hell, I can't throw a 70mph fastball, but if I could sure as shit I wouldn't be out there trying to get into commercials with Derek Jeter and a starting spot on the University of California's baseball team. I know my place, and that's sitting here on my high horse judging others and crushing their dreams. But I'll tell you what if some self-entitled long hair came prancing through my dug out I'd rectify that shit real quick and I'd come up with something way better than "cyberbullying". What kind of hammers are these broads going to school with anyway? That's the real problem here that these two imposters have been enabled this whole time and actually think they can hack it. Guys have to be striking out on purpose in hopes of a tug job right? Like this can't be real life. How hasn't someone stepped up and snapped her arm between two rocks on the ball field. I'd be lickin the end of the bats and jabbing these broads with em. Not because I'm mean or anything, but because sometimes doing the right thing means shattering some innocent girls dreams. Look it's going to happen sooner than later for these two and isn't it better that they tell their kids one day that they didn't make it to the show because some assholes snapped her fingers off rather than some college recruiter laughed in her face then slammed the door?

Friday, March 4, 2011

Romance = Insanity


Women had it great once and so did men. I mean back in the day when women knew their place and held down the kitchen and washroom and men went to work all day, drank scotch, then came home and got the big fucking turkey leg was a win-win for both sexes. A woman knew a man loved her because he allowed her to sleep in the same bed as him and a man knew a woman loved him because she kept her ass at home and didn't even dare look at another cock. It was the little things that mattered. Life was good. Life was simple. But not anymore folks. Women had to go ruin it all. They had to get all self righteous and roll up their sleeves and swing monkey wrenches all over the place like Super Mario and demand equal rights and shit. They traded in a sweet life of please and thank you's for a swift fresh one across the face. You had your chance at politeness and chivalry but ya blew it. Sorry Charlie.
And you'd think that since men were the ones that granted them equality they'd display some sort of gratitude towards us and throw us a free blow job once in a while. But that didn't happen. Opening car doors and challenging swordsmen to duels wasn't enough. Instead they all got together in cahoots and decided some whacky idea that they controlled the pussy and that we had to earn it. And us men, being the fools we are, fucking fell for it. Hook, line and sinker.
I never really thought about it until walking down 6th Avenue today after work and saw something that would have made me shit my pants if I had any on. It was relatively warm out and by that I mean 30 degrees and a fucking rigshaw comes whipping around the corner and inside I see this smug little couple all suggled together wrapped up in a blanket. And why do you think that was, huh? Because there were no fucking cabs available? No god damn it. It was because the guy wanted to be romantic so he threw logic to the wind and decided to freeze his dick off while cruising around the city in an open carriage pulled by an imigrant on a bicycle. I'm telling you that women have caused men to go legally insane in their attempts to prove their love. You want romance? I'll show you romance when I pay for a fucking cab with my money to haul your ass in so you don't freeze to death. Now that's romance boys a girls, keeping the women you love out of harms way. But that's not good enough for todays women. You don't love them or your not romantic unless you go above and beyond or out of your way to do something utterly impractical for them. I remember the day when a dozen roses said "I love you" on Valentines Day. But now all that means is that "I didn't put enough thought into it". So now I have to take the mother fucking week off from work to go putter around a ceramics class in order to craft some fucking vase for your ass that's so god awful it literally makes the world an uglier place, just to prove that I care about you.
What the fuck would have happened to that fools girlfriend the other night if their "romantic" rigshaw got smashed by some bus? Dead. The both of them would have been bloody graffiti all over the side of some Duane Reade. Now how fucking romantic is that, huh? But if they were in a cab then what? Maybe a few scrapes or a couple broken bones. So I implore you all to stop throwing caution to the wind and wake the fuck up. Ladies, if a man does something nice for you, just fucking accept that shit. Guys, if a girl idea of a romantic evening is a home cooked meal that you are in no way capable of pulling off with out lighting the kitchen on fire, then dump her ass.
LATER

Monday, February 28, 2011

Make a Wish

After letting the last post soak in, you will fall into one of two categories. Either you heed the advice and take on that view of the world, living life to the fullest, appreciating those you love, letting go of grudges, or you pretend to understand and continue taking your existence for granted. Sure you were touched by the words, sad because of what happened, sympathetic towards the victim and his family and friends, but lets face it, it didn’t happen to you and you won’t change until it does.

I can’t criticize you for ending up as the former; I’ve been on both sides. I think most people have. It takes an unusually wise person to be able to appreciate things/people they love without ever having lost. That’s why they say some good comes out of death. People come together, wisen up, begin to understand. But enough of that.

This post really is about something that is somewhat unrelated. It has a little to do with 111. You may want to read the first section of this page before continuing http://www.angelscribe.com/1111.html , but you don’t have to. Anyone else catch themselves noticing when its 1:11 a little too often? Or after 9/11 you’re suddenly always aware of the number when you see it around, and now you see it “everywhere”? Well I do always catch myself seeing 1:11 or 11:11 on the clock lately, and I’m not saying I believe it means anything, but it brings up an interesting subject.

Most people look at that time and make a wish, “almost like making a wish when a cake with candles is presented to you.” So of course when I heard that I wanted to start making wishes every time I saw it. The only problem was that I could never decide on anything before 1:12 hit, or 2:00 for that matter. I hadn’t made a concrete decision until today. It’s not that I couldn’t think of anything to wish for (the obvious hit the lottery wish always came to mind) but that I couldn’t find anything that I truly, passionately wanted. Yea it’d be great to have millions of dollars, but ehh, if it doesn’t happen so be it. Everything I really want in life, is right in front of me. People may describe it as a little bit of money, a loving family, and good health. To really simplify it, I just want a reason to smile.

There are people out there without loving families, with very poor health, and with little to no money. I don’t know what they would wish for when 1:11 came around, maybe its something specific, maybe it’s a little of everything. But my wish is that everyone, everywhere can find a reason to smile.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Cherish Those You Love...

So I'm going to be real here...maybe I didn't feel as bad as I should have for this dead guy I saw today because I've had a lot of people die in my life. But what I know is that my friends, which I love, that I was with tonight were extremely shaken up over the fact. So this is what I want to say...Life is fucking short people and anyone you love can die at any second. Now I know this seems heavy as hell, but it's true, I saw it first hand tonight, and at any moment you can go from having a great time at the bar with a friend to having a terrible time with the police about their death. I'm going to be real about what I saw. We walked out of the bar and crossed the street to get to our car. When we got to the sidewalk there was a large group of people, about our age, who were screaming about their friend. We looked down and saw a body, which we assumed was dead, about a foot from the curb on top of a pool of blood and a pile of fucking gook next to his skull that was his brains. Now we didn't know anyone who was involved but we asked what happened and no one that was there paid any attention to us. So after we internalized the scene we promptly left out of respect for those who where there. That being said, it was a tragic scene that no one our age should have to witness.
Even though I wasn't as affected as my friends over what we had just witnessed, I cared about thier feelings and realized that that could have been any of them. I started thinking what if I was the lone helpless person screaming at the police for help about my friend who's brains were splattered over the street. I would have been fucking devestated and angry at the world for probably the rest of my life. But it didn't involve me so I have to be thankful for the friends and family that I presently do have to spend my life with. All I want you to get out of this post is to cherish those who are dear to you and to end any unnessecary grudges you may have.
So please don't take anyone around you for granted and especially don't leave any confrontation unsettled, becuase it is not worth it. Some internal beef between you and a loved one, whether it's family or a friend, is not worth being guilty about for the rest of your life. And I promise you no matter how legamite you think your reason is, it's not worth leaving unresolved. So whatever the problem is that you have with someone you care or used to care about, needs to be taken care of ASAP. Life is too short to harbor ill will towards anyone, especially if at one time they were close to you.
So please take this experience that was so damaging to me and my friends as a wake up call so you can end any unnessecary dispute or disagreement you may have, and realize that the interactions with that person are much more valuable than the supposed lesson you think you are teaching them by ignoring their existence. Like I said earlier, maybe I'm the one who's fucked up by not actually feeling terrible about what we witnessed, but I do know that the pain I saw my friends in is real and I don't want to be the person that puts someone through that pain when I'm gone. I'd rather the people I care about or cares about me be at peace with our relationship when I die, instead of having regrets or vice versa. That's not to say that you aren't going to feel pain or some tangible emotion when a person you care about passes, because you should be physically moved by that occurance, but those emotions shouldn't be tainted by regrets. You shouldn't be upset over a loss becuase you feel that you failed to mend a relationship with that person. You should only be upset because it is now impossible to carry on a relationship.
All I'm trying to say is that I have a lot of unanswered questions with the people that I've already lost and I have surpressed my feelings in order to avoid any negative emotions those losses warrant, and I don't want you to end up the same way. Most of the time I'm alone in dealing with the loss of someone important, but tonight I witnessed first hand that pain is normal and the magnitude of the loss isn't what's importnant. All that matters is how you spent the time with that person, and that is what will determine how you deal with their loss. So don't waste any more time with the selfish notion that you're right or their wrong, because in the end those emotions are trivial. Just step up and end whatever rifts you may have so when the time comes you can be at peace with your relationship with that person. The last thing you want to do is have any regrets or questions that can never be resolved.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Hyberdating- The Friend Killer

If Seinfeld was still on the air there's no doubt the next episode would start off with Jerry on stage asking 'What's the deal with Hyberdating?'. Now if you have to ask what Hyberdating is then you're either an innocent virgin with no friends or an asshole who has given the old 'fuck ya self' to his buddies and has crawled up his girlfriends vagina. Okay, maybe I'm just a casuality of 'Hyberdating', which is why I'm familiar with its meaning, origin and result, so for the rest of you here it is:

Hyberdating (Highber-deyting)
- Noun
1. an unhealthy relationship in which a male or female cowers behind the demands of their partner.
2. a period of withdrawl or seclusion from a persons regular lifestlye and friends due to the requests of his or her boy/girl-friend.

Basically, Hyberdating is what happens when that one whipped friend we all have gives up on their own life and succumbs to the extremely low self-confidence of whomever they are dating. That being said, let's face it people, we've all been there at one point or another, because a short period of Hyberdating is normal. Not only is it normal but it's down right American. It's as American as apple pie and free blow jobs. Anyone who has ever gotten the sex has gone through the initial stage or hyberdating when you've found that special some one and lost yourself in the blissful state of fuck and blocked off the entire outside world because let's face it; they're not fucking you. But after the whimsical glamour of the sexy sex wears off and you realize whomever is fucking you will continue to fuck you despite the interaction of other human beings, you slowly begin to treat that person like shit while you search for your next conquest. Even the alien race of married people get over the Hyberdating period when the wet sex turns into dry hand jobs and a 9am tee-time is the equivalent of a back door Tiajuana Tug Job.

But like I said, that's fucking normal. What's not normal is when those hammers that start off like 'oh she's just some bitch im stuffing' turn into 'oh sorry, I can't make your birthday party because Stacey has work early tomorrow', then finish their Bud heavy, slide under the covers, spoon, and not have sex. Listen, I'm all for the relationship and finding that member of the opposite or same sex that completes you and makes you want to get wierd and shit, but when you slip into that social coma and hide your porridge from Goldilocks you've clearly crossed the line.

Hyberdating is the death of social gatherings. The death of friendly shitshows and bad decisions. Basically it's the death of comdey. I mean isn't shit only funny if you have friends to share it with and someone your sleeping with to hide it from? The non-single, fun loving, independant person is an endangered species and it's up to every single on of us to stop this disaster. What can we do, you ask. Well we need to stop enabling those hyberdating hammers and tell them it's time to grow the fuck up. Tell them that a drunken night out with their friends is more important than snuggling on the couch watching Cupcake Wars.

The person you were before you met your enslaver was formed by the people you surrounded yourself with and the situations you all got your self into. So re-grow your balls and tell your slavemaster you need to retain your old lifestyle in order to remain the person they fell in love with. If they can't accept that then thier either friendless losers or you're an ex-pedofile.

HOW HAS NO ONE REALIZED THIS REPORTER IS AN ALIEN?



So if you haven't seen this video yet you're either an Amish or a Homeless. At this point though I bet even those technology shunners have seen this shit. I know it seems like I'm late as hell on the whole "Semi-smoke reporter blows it at the Grammy's" tip, but hold ya horses Tanto, because like Nas says "I'm never on schedule, but always on time". It's a good fucking thing too, because there is a god damn national...no fuck that...mother fucking global security threat, level 30 color infa-red type shit, right before our eyes and all anyone can talk about is how this bitch is a fraud and that she's really just a retard who's trying to cover shit up with tall tales of mythical strokes and migranes.

Fine, I'll bite, this broad is totally hiding some shit. And by some shit I mean some let's bomb Iraq over alleged WMD's type shit. Yeah that's right, some 1998 Rush Hour FBI G-14 Classified type shit. Like clearly this is bigger than some run of the mill human ailment. I mean first of all why would some semi-famous LA reporter pull a Billy Madison on national TV and have the opportunity to write it off as a stroke, a hands down legitamite no questions asked catastophe, but come out the next day and proclaim complete health? Then, only after a furry of vicious backlash does she come out and say that she struggles with 'migranes'? I DON'T BUY IT! NOT FOR ONE SECOND! Let's be real here, LA is all about the image. And this bitch having a bona-fide stroke on regional TV during the god damn Grammy's garners 600 times more sympathy than some ambigious ailment that can't even be proved such as migranes.

That being said, this broad is clearly an alien. I mean there's no if's, and's or but's about it. Listen, you couldn't plan that shit with the help of Vince Lombardi or write that shit with the help of Alan Sorkin. Jenna Jameson would have won a god damn Oscar with that performance, and she's a porn star that hasn't taken a cock since Clinton was in office. But guess what...it wasn't a performance mother fuckers. NO! That was a poor, low-grade, alien slave of some gravely misinformed extraterestial race that thought either A. Her local ABC affiliate news channel is important or B. The Grammy's are some sort of ultra-important political propoganda. Why else would they unleash the mother-load upon us at at such a time?

I mean clearly this bitch is Public Enemy Number One on the Men in Black's most wanted list. Like how this didn't cause mass panic on some 'the galaxy is on orion's belt' type shit is beyond me. Like how Will Smith didn't jump out from a jewelry store and attempt to Noisy Cricket her ass is a fucking mystery. The bottom line is this- no way does some random, LA wanna be fame slut, go 347% retard on national TV and NOT cover it up. Clearly, by the stroke rejection, her message was meant to be recieved by other fellow aliens as some sort of 'call to arms'. No self-respecting human being lets some shit like this go unjustified. PERIOD.

By the way...is it just me or does that fact that this broad's an alien shoot her straight up to the Number One Spot on the Bucket Fuck List? Like as a human being she's already a half decent older broad that I would easily smash without reason. But after knowing she's an alien? That's like G.O.A.T shit right there. Like if you thought banging a Spanish chick was hot because she said shit like 'papi', 'caliente', and 'mas rapiado', well what about jibberish like 'we had a very deris...derison by let's go ahe ajdhf akdfhu...'? I don't know about you, but dirty talk like that makes me bust a load quicker than Victoria Silvestdt Play-Mate of the Year.

Even though I have no fucking idea what verbal nonsense she diarrhead from her mouth or can I find a single person on Earth to translate for me, I know she meant business. Like when the molten fires of Hades are upon us and the time to atone for our mortal sins is here, banging the Gatekeeper has to count for something right? Right. I honestly don't care what you say because when the mortal harbinger of death appears I'll have the native tongue of my fuck piece memorized and chant 'but les ho terik tayson lo vit' and be safe as hell.

So to recap: Serene Branson is an alien and you're an idiot if you think she's just some run of the mill LA wannabe.

Bringin the Heat With...

Maino- Yeah Carmelo




Homie what it do, welcome to the Knicks...
Last season that was nothin...
Got Mello on the squad now we stuntin...
Reppin my town when you see me at the Garden screamin yeah Carmelo, yeah Carmelo...

Shakespeare who? I almost cant believe Maino penned such masterful poetry. If I didn't know better I'd think he stole this from Keats or Shelley or fucking Poe. I mean Maino is the hottest rapper alive right? Like Melo just got traded 3 seconds ago and now Maino just dropped the hottest song since "Juicy". I'd like to see Jay Z do that. It took him like 3 years to come out with Kingdom Come which sucked ass, and Maino drops the G.O.A.T in like 5 minutes. Jay Z needs to become a permanent resident of New Jersey after this joint. Seriously, he couldn't get the Mello trade done now he's getting shit on by Maino. They need to rename the "HOV Lanes" to the "MAINO Lanes" like this second.

In the famous words of Dylan from Making the Band: "The five greatest rappers of all time are Maino, Maino, Maino, Maino and Maino, because I spit hot fire!"

Friday, February 18, 2011

MELO TO THE BIG APPLE

http://sports.espn.go.com/new-york/nba/news/story?id=6145912

HIDE YA WIFE, HIDE YA KIDS, HIDE YA TEAM, THE KNICKS ARE RAPIN ERRABODY! Let's face it, the NBA is done. Put a god damn fork in that bitch. Melo to the Knicks?!?! As if we didn't already kick the rest of America's ass in everything else that we do. But now in one fell swoop we've takin control of interstellar domination int he NBA? Wow-wow-wee-wow! What the Knicks just did esentially was take a bunch of Lindsay Lohans, smother them in rose scented valtrex, and swindle some retard into mistaking them for a gaggle of Grade-A smokeshows and in return get Brooklyn Decker.
Now let's get one thing straight right off the bat...this was a motherfucking NO BRAINER for the good old Knickerbockers. For all you knicks fans out there crying like little pussies that we gave up too much for Melo, a one way player, and Billups, an aging point gaurd, are fucking morons. Every ugly loser out there will try to tell you its quantity over quality, but deep down all those hammers are jealous of the studs wheeling the Adriana Lima's of the world. And it's about time ladies and gentlemen, that the Knicks finally stepped up and regained their place as the top stud of the NBA.
As for the trade itself- The Knicks sent Felton, Chandler, Gallo, Mozgov, 2014 1st round pick and two second round picks to the Nuggets for Anthony, Billups and the glorious return of Renaldo Balkman. They also sent Anthony Randolph and Eddy Curry, both of whom haven't touched the court all year to the Timberwolves for Corey Brewer and the ugliest man on earth AKA Candace Parker's fuck toy AKA Sheldon Williams.

So purley by the numbers, yes the Knicks gave up a lot. 4/5's of their starting line up might seem like a steep price to pay for two players but when one of those players is a bona fide top 5 nba pure scorer it's totally worth it. Gallo is the only rare commodity we really gave up in this deal because he is one of those rare Peja Stojakovic shooters that are hard to come by, but he continually dissapears in games and even at his best while playing 40 minutes a game fails to put up 30. Mozgov, although very raw now, may turn out to be a very good NBA center given his rare combination of size and athleticism but he's a soft European and at best he turns into a Vlade Divacs or Andrew Bogut. Felton had been playing out of his bird at the begining of the season but has tailed off lately and is much more likely to regress to his Bobacts form over the course of the season. And although I love Wilson Chandler and think he's the man, he's not going to get much better than he is, period. If you really look at it he's just a less talented Carmelo Anthony, that's it. And as far as our first round pick 13 years from now, let's face it, we haven't made a good first round pick since Ewing in 85.

This trade makes the Knicks a better team RIGHT NOW. We're not going to win a Championship this or next season, but we'll easily win 50 games next year and grab another elite player in free agency when Billups' 15 mil comes off the books at the end of the season. Everyone we gave up is easily replaceable and the only area this leave us vulnerable in is center, but we're much more effective with Amare at Power Foward than Center anyway. Turiaf has played well in relief and at 30+ minutes a game he'll give the Knicks that hard nosed, gritty defense they'll need with the defensivly inept Mello and Amare. Billups is still a great scorer and can run the pick and roll better than Felton which is where both Amare and Mello thrive.
It's an undeniable fact that to be a contender or even relevant in the NBA now, you need top level stars, and even though we went out and got Amare it wasn't enough. Yeah we had a nice supporting cast around him and we've been a much better than any other Knicks squads over the past decade. And yeah, we would have made the playoffs and maybe even won a series or two over the next few years. But a Championship? Get real. No way Felton, Fields, Gallo, Chandler and Amare beat the Magic, Celtics, Bulls or Heat. But now with Mello and Amare we have two all-stars that can compete with any one in the league. And sure this season we wont be much better, but it will be fun as hell watching Amare and Mello burn the fucking court up while dropping 30 a game and playing no defense.

But mark my words, we'll get either Chris Paul or Deron Williams in the offseason and add a true center and great defending role player like Shane Battier and will become a god damn dynasty once again.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Ayo Technology

Remember polyphonic ringtones? When your Nokia would play "regulators" or "still fly" one high pitched note at a time?

You may have dreamed about reading your texts in 3-D (LG just unveiled the world's first 3-D smartphone)

Wished you could take your Playstation with you to school (Sony Ericsson announces new PlayStation smartphone: http://www.cnn.com/2011/TECH/mobile/02/14/sony.ericsson.playstation.smartphone/index.html#)

Prayed that you could be the recipient of constant blow jobs (Verizon Wire...yea right I wish)

But you get the point. Smart Phones are slowly becoming the one stop shop for all your needs.

Which brings me to my point. Stop fucking relying on it. You keep your head down and your fingers scrolling and you're gonna miss out on life. Make some eye contact, open the door for someone, endure the awkward elevator ride.

You don't want to wake up and realize your toothbrush has a google logo on it.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Granny's Grammys

Esperanza Spalding winning best new artist meant i got to read a bunch of headlines that creatively warped Justin Biebers last name to spell shit. Good looks girl! We got a very diverse list of nominees. Esperanza Spalding: Welsh/Hispanic/Native American/Black, Drake: Jewish Canadian/African American, and Justin Bieber: White/Usher.

But even more intriguing is that the winner was chosen based off talent, not fame. Millions of surprised fans filled their google box with Esperanza's name trying to figure out who the hell she was. One eager Bieber (see don't you love the flexibility??) commented "A winner, based off merit?!?! WTF?!", and another, "Since when doesn't the performer take the award??!"

Maybe Esperanza represents the hope real music fans worldwide share, that the industry can get back to music, no gimmicks. Not that I put Drake and Justin in that category, but you gotta admit, they're headed in that direction.

Check out this performance by Esperanza and judge for yourself.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Bringin the Heat With...

J.Cole featuring Drake- In the Morning

Thursday, February 10, 2011

We're Back Baby!

Alright bitches...WE'RE BACK IN BUSINESS BABY!

I don't know about Lasagna but The Behn Train has dissapointed many a people in his day, but that shit stops now. Out with the old and in with the motherfucking newness like a plastered throttling of some poor unsuspecting broad after a bad break up and basking in the glorious aroma of strange pussy and freedom...or however that saying goes. But seriously...I vow to avenge my past dickery and disrespect of the "long hairs" (woman)...well at least the ones I know personally. I mean come on people what the fuck is the internet here for if a suave mother fucker such as myself can't degrade a couple of barrell-assess or laugh at some bozo's giving each other the hucklebuck? The internet was built on smut and I shall continue to ride that glorious tube until I either conquer that bitch or it breaks and smashes my ass on the vicious coral reef of humiliation.

Listen the bottom line is this- whatever you need to get you through the day we're gunna have it. Girls, sports, idiots...whatever your entertainment needs are check with us at the Blue Long Island baby!

And of course feel free to leave any comments, suggestions or good old swagger bashing you may feel inclined to.

LATER